# # Ships Log: HvCFT Singularity : Personal Log

# # Date: October 26, 2006

# # Log by WiredNight, Computer Systems Manager

My heart thumps against my still heaving chest.  Sweat trickles down my face like a warm rain.  The irony that the little workout in the ship’s hold would cause such a reaction, while in the Matrix I am faster then a speeding bullet, can leap the tallest buildings in a single bound, and am stronger then a powerful locomotive doesn’t evade my consciousness.  Such is the power of dreams.

Still a dream is fiction story, as was my thoughts that I could outrun my doubts.  I am plagued with them, they assail me at every turn.  I had hoped that I could outrun them, purge them from my body with every breath of my struggling lungs, let the doubt bleed from me with the opening of my pores.  Work it from me, as the blood pumps faster through my veins struggling to bring oxygen to my working muscles.  I failed.

Why am I here?  No I know the answer to the question, and so my doubts are not about that.  No the doubts are a virus, eating away at my resolve, whispering in my ear, “All your struggles are hopeless.  Peace is a fleeting dream, much like the Matrix.   It doesn’t exist, can’t exist as long as humanity survives.  War is inevitable.”

Yet I struggle on, and I just don’t know why.  No, I know why, I struggle after a fleeting dream that maybe I can make the impossible a reality.  I have to admit I’m much like the Cypherites and EPN’s that way.  One fights to live in the dream, one fights to destroy the dream, why do I fight?  Would it not be easier to fight harder, simply ensure that nothing is available to break the truce, because nothing survives?  No, down that path is treason and madness.  That is what separates humanity from the animals, the capability to attempt to not fight, to struggle for the greater good.

I am not the only one though that is trying to outrun doubt and fear though.  Enough about that.  The knowledge I carry, isn’t for written page, which can easily be found by those who could use that knowledge for nefarious purposes.  Still the irony is there.  It was me digging too far that got me out of the Matrix.  What will this time cause?  But the benefits of being a hacker is that not only can you find knowledge, but destroy it as well.

In that regard I’m like a Cypherite yet again, and the parallels yes that is the doubt that is plaguing me.  The core of it all.  I find myself becoming more and more like that I don’t trust or respect.  In other regards I see the beauty of a dream, where I can run fast, jump high, and loose myself in a good scotch and cigar.  I find myself wishing to destroy other redpills, because they are a threat to my dreams.  And I find myself, in a totally different regard, wishing to take a symbolic bluepill, and forget the nightmare I’ve jumped into, which could threaten not only myself but others as well.  And I destroy that which threatens to awaken others, so that they can remain ignorant in their unenlightened and blissful dream of ignorance.

And I wear a mask, a bandanna that hides my doubts.  I appear the good little soldier, I preach that which I believe to others, and yet hide the doubts about what I believe.  I hide the knowledge, but like any mask, the disguise is only as good as those who look through it.  I am so like them, and I loathe that of myself.  Our goals are different, so I am no Cypherite, but I am just like them.  I am a hypocrite.

My breath comes easy, my heart has ceased attempting to pound its way through its cage.  I need a cleansing to wash away the sickening stench that overcomes me.

Aside:  New recipe to try.

Take one whole, cleaned duck.  Marinate in a mixture of soy, schnapps and salt.  Let refrigerate for three hours in marinade.

Mix crushed herbs and oil.  Let sit to mix flavors

Drain marinade and rub under the ducks skin with oil mixture.  Leave skin.  Roast duck until tender and brown.

Serve with three bean salad and protein sludge bread.