Dreams

## Ships log: HvCFT Singularity: Personal Entry
 ## Date: October 20, 2006
 ## Log by: Pilot Bittype

Well, it is just after midnight and once more I have awakened in a cold sweat. The dream is the same every night, and has been since I returned to the Singularity. I haven’t told anyone, I can’t tell anyone.

I know they are watching me, waiting for an excuse to ground me. They weren’t going to let me fly again, it was Gookin’s emotional and all too vivid description of the event that swayed them.

I should tell someone about the dreams, but…

I know the crew would not betray me, especially Bilquis, but she is the medical officer and certain things she can’t omit from the official medical logs. The Captain... I know he would listen, I know he leaves me a lot of leeway to fly Singularity my way. He understands more than most non pilots; I need to exercise my skills, skills that a simulator can not provide for. I can’t tell him either; M4rb is the Captain, his first priority is to the ship and crew, it has to be. If I tell him; he will have to tell Bil and she would have to log it. They would ground me permanently if she did.

The dreams… They are getting worse since WiredNight came aboard. Oh there is nothing wrong with him, he is ok for a male and he fits in well. He knows his job too, and that’s the problem. He knows computers, he knows the kind of information the mainframe processes when we are in flight. With the exception of Rush, he alone knows what my brain was processing during the incident. I see it in his eyes sometimes, only for a fleeting instant, but I see it. ‘Awe.’ That’s what I see, I checked the database... One three letter word, but it means so much: fear, dread, admiration, trepidation, wonder, terror. He knows, more than anyone could... he knows, but cannot believe, cannot understand... my brain should have fried.

The dreams… they are with me all the time now, even when I am awake they are there. In my minds eye I have only to clear my thoughts for a moment, then I see, I feel.

The dreams… I… I am Singularity, the power… the raw unadulterated power, the exhilaration, just the smallest of thoughts and Singularity obeys. The desire for more speed, and the reactor obeys; pumps more power to the pads. I feel it, I revel in it... this must have been what the eagle would feel as it soared above the world, drifting on air currents before the war, and it’s like a narcotic… Then comes the pain, pain beyond description, pain beyond understanding, pain beyond anything else. There is only the pain, nothing but pain. Pain becomes my world... all that I am, pain, pain, pain…

And I awaken, tangled and trapped by my own blankets, trapped in my own thoughts, soaked head to toe in sweat. I haven’t screamed… Not yet, but I feel it as I awaken the scream caught in my throat, my mouth open ready to let it out, but I don’t, I can’t.

The dreams, they haunt me now… I need to tell someone, but I can’t… I can’t.

If they find out I am finished, I will never fly again. I have to control it, I have to find a way to contain it. I can’t let them know, I can’t let them see.

I’ll go now, go to the jacking bay. Hanz won’t say anything, I never did sleep the night through, and he is used to my nocturnal sessions in training programme. He won’t ask why or query my reason; he will just jack me in and run the program. Hanz is safe, he is a natural born, he doesn’t know how I saved the ship and he doesn’t care. He only knows I did it and that’s enough for him.

#End Log#